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“It’s very common for the less-monied spouse to say, ‘I don’t want any of this money,’ and I encourage them to take a more long-term view,” says Israel. While no one wants to look like they’re marrying for financial gain, they shouldn’t ignore the numbers either. “When a prenup leaves one person much less secure than the other, it’s harmful,” she adds. Conversely, it can be empowering for the less wealthy spouse to spearhead the process. “We think about prenups as something that the wealthy person sticks to the less-wealthy person and says, ‘Sign it. My lawyer said we have to.’ But I think it can be profoundly helpful for the less-wealthy person to take initiative,” says Manisha Thakor, the VP of financial education at Brighton Jones and author of Get Financially Naked: How to Talk Money With Your Honey . “It gives them confidence, clarity, and understanding about what they’re stepping into, and there’s less bitterness over tradeoffs.” So how, exactly, do you determine a “fair” prenup? The traditional route is for one person’s lawyer to draw up a first draft and send it to the other person’s lawyer to negotiate, but Israel strongly discourages this back-and-forth approach, which often spawns passive-aggression and sour grapes. Instead, she recommends mediation. A mediator is an impartial third party, ideally an attorney or someone with extensive legal experience in marital cases, who sits down with you both and generates discussions about your concerns. In the initial meeting, both parties must disclose all of their financial assets and debts, if they haven’t already, and make sure that the other party understands their structure.
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